People asked me what my career goals were and I’d say accounting manager or something or other that meant working for a big corporation. I could ace any interview that came my way. I knew what they wanted to hear. I thought it was what I wanted. I ignored that dread that weighed down my limbs and shook it off as nerves.
I’d take a job and six months in I’d start dreading Monday’s. I’d go in everyday and give it everything I had and feel like I wasn’t being appreciated enough. The resentment would start. My cousin made a comment about why she started working for herself that really struck me. She said that she realised that maybe it wasn’t the job or company that was the issue, but her. She didn’t fit the traditional mold. It wasn’t the company or the boss or the job. It was me. Ouch.
Maybe I am a square peg in a round hole. I felt like I was working much harder than everyone else. To some extent, that was true. If I commit to something, I will finish it. It will be my best effort. No half assery.
But pouring yourself into something just because you are good at it and it is safe is a losing battle. Sooner or later, the well runs dry. And doing something for someone else’s approval, it feels like hiding.
The only way to stand in my own shoes is to dare to say that my ideas are good enough and to give them the light of day. They have been hiding inside me so long that I stopped hearing them.
And instead of beating myself up about that, I need to go find my square hole to fill.
And so I am making a start as a business owner. Will you come along with me for the ride?