New Year’s Eve

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I wrote this on New Year’s Eve, but am just getting around to posting it…

I am finding it really difficult to keep it together today. As we close out the year today, I am experiencing overwhelming waves of emotion. I am hoping that writing proves once again to be lethargic. In many ways, I have never been so happy to see the backside of something. I think, “Go on 2013, get out of here! Good Riddance!”

In two big way, I think this has collectively been the worst year of my family’s life. I cannot speak for them, but my father’s death and the tornado that ripped through my sister’s community just one month later permanently broke my heart. Sometimes, like today, it feels like my heart is breaking over and over again. Nothing seems to make any sense these days. Nothing can be taken for granted.

In some ways, I wish my mind would accept that my father is no longer with us. Most of me clings to whatever illogical hope or wisps of a dream I that I sometimes get that he is still alive. I miss him so deeply. My mind plays tricks on me reminding me to buy him a Christmas present or expects him to walk into the room when I Skype with my mother. The realisation steals my breath as my heart and hope shatter.

So I am also finding it very difficult to say goodbye to 2013. I see another page turning and I just cannot let go. If feels like losing Dad all over again for some reason. If feels like having to say goodbye all over again and not actually getting to say goodbye to him at all. I guess I grieve most for that – for not getting to say goodbye to him properly. I wish for one more time to hug him, to look into his warm eyes, to him I love him and to hear those words from him. Most of all I grieve for the years that feel stolen from us all. He died at 72. He was literally here one day and gone the next. He will miss the pure delight of watching my daughter grow up. It devastates me to think that she will probably not remember him.

And yet I know that I have so much to be grateful for. So many things went wrong in the world this year. A tornado ripped through my sister and her family’s home, but they are all safe. Everyone they know is safe. Their house can be restored. People – family, friends and strangers alike – have been so generous to them.

My friends and family have also been so incredibly generous to me in this time of loss. I know there are so many people out there wishing us the best. Please know how grateful I am. It may not seem like it, but it helps tremendously. I believe there is no way through difficult times except right through the middle. I have never felt alone for a single moment, though, along the way.

Thank you to my husband for his ongoing support. I have space to feel a whole range of emotions whenever they come. And thank goodness for my healthy little spark plug of a daughter. She keeps me in the present and enjoying life with fresh eyes like only a toddler can.

Life is moving on whether I try to deny it or not. As I wrote this, a delivery man came to our door. I tried to pull myself together, but there was no hiding my red nose and eyes. He did not even notice. He was in a rush to get through his day and probably on with celebrating New Year’s Eve. Life has a way of snapping me out of sadness and of rescuing me from my grief.

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