E is nearly eleven months already. As I brush my teeth, I look down into the bathtub and see it still scattered with the plastic cups she played with during her bath tonight. I bought those cups for her a few days ago and thought she’d like them. I think I read somewhere that stacked and nested things are interesting to and good for children about her age. And she does seems to like them. On overwhelming sense of satisfaction rushes through me looking down at those primary-colored plastic cups. I often think about how I would do anything for my daughter and that I want to give the world to this little impish sweetheart of mine. I tell her that too. “Pooh, I love you more than the sun and moon and stars above – more than the heaven and earth combined. That is how much I love you.” I say to her.
She truly feels like my whole world sometimes. I mean this in the best possible way. To see her smile and splash with the simple toy I bought her tells me that, yes, I am giving her everything she needs. I want to give her everything her heart desires and, in that moment, I am. I am successful in a way I have never known before. Her eyes are filled with pure happiness and she looks at me with out the slightest hint of doubt. I have not disappointed her yet. She knows no want. It fills my heart and could bring me to tears of joy. There is no greater sense of achievement than knowing your child is truly, plainly happy. I want her to have it all and, right there, in the tub with those plastic cups, she does.
Before she was born, I worried so much about doing the right things for and how I would know what to give her and doubted I would ever be enough for her – a good enough mother. It felt so complicated and insurmountable, but it is really quite simple, actually. It is the small acts and little deeds day in and day out. It is the feeding, bathing, laundry, and clothing. Most of all it is holding her and swaying her to sleep. With her bottom cradled under one forearm and the hand of the other arm gently holding her head in the nape of my neck just under my chin, I sway. Or I pat her sweet little back with one hand as we rock from side to side. She soon places her cheek against my collar-bone and starts sucking her thumb. Her breathing deepens and she eventually closes her gorgeous big eyes. I love that moment. We sway chest to chest and heart to heart. In those delicious moments, I am enough. My whole world is in my arms and I have never been so at peace.